Finding soul meaning and self discovery through pain and sudden change!
‘The soul of spring lingers on in a cold, yet unforgotten place. And life’s shadows are still accompanied by sunshine on any given day. Summer memories soon fade like the wind of yesteryears. But the soul of spring lingers on to give us new hope and strength. Autumn sheds away the fallen tears and what no longer serves us. Winter bides her time with patience and goal, as autumn nurtures and prepares the earth…for change and growth. When winter comes she pierces through with vigour and might, she sometimes leaves us trembling and putting up a fight. Yet we return to the soul of spring where all is fresh and new and she balances the time and tide to see us all through. ’ P. L. Charles 2019
The visceral of pain can leave you feeling numb, alone, confused, unworthy, perplexed and unloved. The visceral of both mental, physical and emotional pain can render you breathless, tormented and trapped in a place that seems forever dark. The pain from a disconnection from divine self and God is often described as the ‘dark night of the soul’. You can’t fight it for it causes your anxiety to worsen, you often cannot pray or sleep very well, you feel constantly in a battle. You worry about your love ones endlessly. Thoughts of dying come and go and you are often left wondering if there will ever be an end to this visceral journey of pain.
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The true answer and breakthrough came when I truly surrendered to life as it was unfolding and allowed the power of God to uplift me, holding me in that sacred space, until I felt the warmth and breath of life as I emptied again and again. It is allowing yourself to float on water, with arms open and eyes closed in sweet surrender. In that uncertain yet sacred space you are alone with your pain and God – then the womb of your soul begins to open and reveal who you are and the ‘whys’ in your life. Slowly and without force, you begin to reconnect with your divine self. You begin to find the purpose of your pain and learn to feel the power of your mission again. Accepting the past as it was and all that it brought including the joy and sorrow, the traumas and the celebrations and learning to let GO of it all.
It was mid-June of this year when I realised that the resurgence of energy and enthusiasm that I had for life, and from all that I had overcome in earlier weeks and months, had now suddenly and abruptly left me, without warning. I had begun new projects, a self-development journey, observing all and everything around me. I started de-cluttering, mentally and within and around my physical space, making time to reflect, meditate and stretch, whilst journalling my experiences. When my health both physically and mentally experienced a huge set-back. Fear gripped me as I wondered whether I had done too much or not enough with the time that I had. I wanted to be true to myself and honest with all my predicaments and challenges. I wanted breathing space, time to think but there was no escaping. There I was embarking on the possibility of being a Life Coach alongside my writing and I was slowly crashing, drowning and grasping for air.
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This was followed by the scare of almost losing a beloved sibling to her sudden illness. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her and was so thankful that I didn’t. I needed her as much as she needed me. Our lives thousands of miles apart yet so close in heart, soul and spirit. There was the grief and realisation of the life that I had envisioned and dreamed about were now gone and I desperately needed a new and fresh perspective. I had to take a closer look at my marriage and where we were and who we had become – to and for each other and unravel all the unresolved issues and pain of the sudden changes that rocked our lives and were never communicated. I grieved that I may never be the active Mum my children needed or whom I longed to be. I grieved for the loss of the hopes and dreams we had as a couple as our lives had now taken a 360 degree turn, we were merely pushing through life, set on survival mode.
I had many moments of feeling unworthy and adding to that, my books were unsuccessful in reaching out to wider audiences – with little feedback or engagement. I felt frustration looming as I no longer could do the physical work that I once loved or put the energy into marketing my work. I now felt that I was a total failure in every area of my life. Here I was at a crossroad, at a bridge that never seemed to reach its end, as I wandered alone. I silently cried out to my Ancestors to encourage me on this journey that I no longer understood. I acknowledged the guilt I felt at not doing what was expected of me, giving in to the pressures and demands of society, family and being a far cry away from God’s plans for me. In August when my phone got damaged, I took it as a sign to take a break from social media and so began my inner work, self-healing and rediscovery. It was a time to look at my life with more gratitude and love. It was time for a paradigm shift and this whirlwind that I felt and the dizziness in my head was preparing me for that moment.
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One morning in September it dawned on me, that right now in my life, the labels are not important, the monetary success is not important, ambition is not more important than living your life purposefully.. I had to take the time to think about my divine purpose again and come to a place of acceptance of the life I now have, appreciating every step of my present journey and what it has taught me. To rethink and acknowledge the value of motherhood and partnership in alignment with God’s will. Appreciating all that I had given and contributed and to humbly accept my own worthiness and God’s love for me and affirm that I was enough. And once again to seek first God’s divine kingdom within me and to trust that all will fall in place in divine time. To accept that I am valued and valuable to God and the world. To acknowledge my own short-comings and imperfections without judgement.
Over the next few months I submerged myself in creating moments of peace and happiness for my loved ones, allowing myself to breakdown when I had to, reaching out to people I longed to engage with and learn from, letting go of pride that bellowed from within that I should not ask for advice even though my life’s work is encouraging others to reach out. But a soul depleted on its journey cannot water other souls or give light when dimmed and cannot appreciate the fullness of divine being.
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I spend a lot of time at home because of my disabilities but through social media I can share and engage and for this I am truly grateful as I slowly make my way back to you and yours. I am looking at mother-hood on a whole different emotional level, spiritual level and acknowledging ancestral healing and deeper meaning. I am pausing to acknowledge self and breath when it becomes too much. I acknowledge the need for patience and understanding in all circumstances. I will write and speak about my illnesses with or without the fear of being judged by others and will continue to build awareness to help others. I have realised that soul searching is becoming a way of life and effortlessly, when I am not being my own critique.
There were times on this journey when I felt so defeated and then I felt the hand of God gently rest upon my shoulders and I heard ‘all will be well’. I looked into the eyes of my children and listened to their laughter and I know love and understand the deeper purpose. I still have moments where I struggle with self defeating thoughts and have to meditate and sage my way through. I am in no way perfect but through my imperfections I know that I can encourage others on their journey of self-discovery. I am proud to be a Mama Bear and be the best nurturer and loving soul that I can be to my children without feeling overwhelmed and defeated. I am allowing myself to create new horizons and encourage change within my marriage that is both helpful and hopeful including healthy breathing space, mental well-being and daily affirmations. I have learnt that both darkness and light are invaluable. I have learnt the value of preserving my energy and using my intuitive light to guide me. I have become attuned to my own mental health and that of my love ones and the importance of dialogue.
Life is a complex and multi-faceted unfolding of events and experiences of conflict, struggle, joy, happiness, abundance, loss, trauma, rebirth, successes and failures, yet all and everything have its purpose. You are not defined by any of your experiences, because the soul of who you are and who you were born to be cannot change. You are and I am and we are and together we can heal, grow and appreciate the sacredness of ‘life’ in preparation for the after-life. I am learning to love my unique, quirky, goofy, fun-loving, self again and I am hopeful about finding my tribe and widening my human circle. I know that through each season of ‘the dark night of the soul’ that the breakthrough is always amazing and that is the beauty of life and divinity. You don’t get back to who you were, you become and evolve into who you were created to be. Sometimes you have to let things flow and other times you have to let things go and trust the process of this wonderful gift called ‘life’. I am still learning and seeking.